Dear Heichou
by jaeger-soul
Summary: Rivaille has always dealt with loss his whole life and never shed a tear. Losing Eren was unexpected and painful, and the man finally breaks. Not canon related, and no spoilers as long as you're caught up to episode like 18 or something. Riren shipping, so slash fic. You've been warned.


**Author's Note: I ship Riren so hard. Ugh. I couldn't keep my feels in and ended up somehow writing this at like 3 in the morning. So, I decided to edit it and post it here. Please let me know what you think in the reviews below. Thank you! :) **

**Side note, this will show up as my first story because I got a seperate account because younger sister knows the URL of my regular one and I'd rather not subject her to the angst and torture that is the fics I write for this fandom. **

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Rivaille suspected this day would come. Ever since he stepped foot into that courtroom and saw the brat trying to smooth talk his way out of the situation, he knew he wouldn't survive till the end of the war. He knew the boy's death was imminent.

What was unknown to him was _how_ Eren was to die.

By a Titan? Didn't seem like it. Self-destructing? He wouldn't allow it to happen. At the hands of the one's in charge? ...yes. That was how the boy was to go.

The day the gavel swung and decided Eren's fate, Rivaille silently cursed for allowing himself to become so attached. As the months and weeks went by since he'd first been handed over to the Survey Corps, the captain had allowed the boy to journey with him, ride alongside him during missions and do as he pleased when they weren't in combat. They would talk together, fight together, eat together... and after the other members of their squad passed on, it was simply he and Eren living together in the castle. Rivaille grew used to his presence and the castle was far enough outside of humanity that Eren was safe from prying eyes. Since it was far enough away, Rivaille could allow him to practice his Titan shifting powers.

Just last week, Eren had managed to speak in his Titan form for the first time. It was just barely there, but to the captain's and Hanji's ears it sounded like the boy called his name.

"Rivaille..." the Titan spoke, his voice thick and hard to understand. The titan panted and said it again, "Rivaille."

At the time, Rivaille had stood on the branch of a tree several hundred feet back, ready to intervene if things went wrong.

Hanji tried to coax him into talking again but Eren became distracted, not speaking again until he was back in his human form.

Now, no one would hear him speak in his Titan form. Not Hanji, not Mikasa, not Armin, not the captain...

He exhaled with a swear, knowing that the boy's execution was set to happen any minute now. He didn't have enough time to form a plan to rescue the boy, and even then, Eren had asked that Irwin and Rivaille stay away from the execution. But neither the captain nor the commander wanted him dying alone. Rivaille hadn't been there when the other squad members were killed, he hated the thought of not being there for Eren.

As much as he wanted to grab his swords and slit the throats of every single person on that jury, he knew he couldn't. It would make no difference. Regardless of how much he cared, he couldn't die for the boy. Irwin would never let that happen.

He tightened his hands around his swords, wanting to tear into something. As soon as Rivaille had gotten used to the brat's presence, he was being taken from him.

The corporal stood just outside the door to the courtroom, waiting for Irwin. He recalled the events of yesterday's trial, his heart growing heavier by the second.

As soon as commander in chief Darius Zackly spoke the words, "The jury has decided. Eren Jaeger is to be executed" Rivaille's world stopped turning. His lungs wouldn't fill with enough oxygen, his mind wouldn't stay focused, and his heart wouldn't stop aching. They didn't need to kill the boy, but Rivaille knew nothing would change their minds. He heard footsteps behind him and he turned around, seeing Irwin striding up the hallway.

"What took you so long?" Rivaille snapped and Irwin stopped, raising a brow at the man. The captain turned and pushed open the door, completely irritated with his commander. Didn't he understand what was about to occur? Eren would be dead in a few minutes. He stepped inside, eyes immediately scanning for Eren. His heart pounded when he saw him chained up similar to how he was the first time the boy had been inside a courtroom. For a second, the captain considered the possibility of being able to talk the jury out of killing him, but his hope was extinguished the moment he saw the executioner standing a few paces from the boy, leaning against a wall. He had a hard look about him, and he was certainly dressed for the part. His black clothing and hair made his features stand out sharply against the light colored wall. A cloak hung just past his waist, and the executioner glanced down at his nails, appearing bored. Next to him stood his ax. Sharp and ready for the kill.

Rivaille suspected this day would come. Ever since he stepped foot into that courtroom and saw the brat trying to smooth talk his way out of the situation, he knew he wouldn't survive till the end of the war. He knew the boy's death was imminent.

What was unknown to him was _how_ Eren was to die.

By a Titan? Didn't seem like it. Self-destructing? He wouldn't allow it to happen. At the hands of the one's in charge? ...yes. That was how the boy was to go.

The day the gavel swung and decided Eren's fate, Rivaille silently cursed for allowing himself to become so attached. As the months and weeks went by since he'd first been handed over to the Survey Corps, the captain had allowed the boy to journey with him, ride alongside him during missions and do as he pleased when they weren't in combat. They would talk together, fight together, eat together... and after the other members of their squad passed on, it was simply he and Eren living together in the castle.

It was far enough outside of humanity that Rivaille could allow him to practice his Titan shifting powers.

Just last week, Eren had managed to speak in his Titan form for the first time. It was just barely there, but to the captain's and Hanji's ears it sounded like the boy called his name.

"Rivaille..." the Titan spoke, his voice thick and hard to understand. The titan panted and said it again, "Rivaille."

At the time, Rivaille had stood on the branch of a tree several hundred feet back, ready to intervene if things went wrong.

Hanji tried to coax him into talking again but Eren became distracted, not speaking again until he was back in his human form.

Now, no one would hear him speak in his Titan form. Not Hanji, not Mikasa, not Armin, not the captain...

He exhaled with a swear, knowing that the boy's execution was set to happen any minute now. He didn't have enough time to form a plan to rescue the boy, and even then, Eren had asked that Irwin and Rivaille stay away from the execution. But neither he nor Irwin wanted him dying alone. Rivaille hadn't been there when the other squad members were killed, he hated the thought of not being there for Eren.

As much as he wanted to grab his swords and slit the throats of every single person on that jury, he knew he couldn't. It would make no difference. Regardless of how much he cared, he couldn't die for the boy. Irwin would never let that happen.

He tightened his hands around his swords, wanting to tear into something. As soon as Rivaille had gotten used to the brat's presence, he was being taken from him.

The corporal stood just outside the door to the courtroom, waiting for Irwin. He recalled the events of yesterday's trial, his heart growing heavier by the second.

As soon as commander in chief Darius Zackly spoke the words, "The jury has decided. Eren Jaeger is to be executed" Rivaille's world stopped turning. His lungs wouldn't fill with enough oxygen, his mind wouldn't stay focused, and his heart wouldn't stop aching. They didn't need to kill the boy, but Rivaille knew nothing would change their minds. He heard footsteps behind him and he turned around, seeing Irwin striding up the hallway.

"What took you so long?" Rivaille snapped and Irwin stopped, raising a brow at the man. The captain turned and pushed open the door, completely irritated with his commander. Didn't he understand what was about to occur? Eren would be dead in a few minutes. He stepped inside, eyes immediately scanning for Eren. His heart pounded when he saw him chained up similar to how he was the first time the boy had been inside a courtroom. For a second, the captain considered the possibility of being able to talk the jury out of killing him, but his hope was extinguished the moment he saw the executioner standing a few paces from the boy, leaning against a wall. He had a hard look about him, and he certainly dressed for the part. He was dressed in black clothing with a cloak hanging just past his waist. Next to him stood his ax. Sharp and ready for the kill.

Rivaille kept his expression neutral as he gazed at the boy but inside his heart rate accelerated at the sight of his brat still very much alive.

"Heichou?" Eren croaked out, finally turning his gaze to the man. Irwin came to stand beside Rivaille as he nodded.

"I-I told you not to come," the teen exhaled, dropping his gaze to the floor.

He stood in silence, his brain frantically trying to remember every detail about the boy. The look in his eyes when he spoke about the titans. The way his face lit up the day he saw Mikasa and Armin. His genuine interest in all of Hanji's research... his eyes, his face, the way he smelled after being caught out in the rainstorm and the way he laughed with the man as the two sat in front of the fire and talked late into the night.

"This meeting is now in session," Zackly spoke, slamming his gavel down. Rivaille opened his eyes, remembering that he was standing in the courtroom about to witness an execution. Not sitting by the fire with the boy hanging on to his every word.

"The case was decided yesterday and Eren Jaeger's death was decided. Due to several injuries of his squad members including the near death of Hanji Zoe, he is deemed too dangerous to exist, even with the Survey Corps keeping their eyes on him," Darius looked upset at the outcome of the trial the day before but Rivaille knew that he could do nothing to stop the teen's fate. The jury had made their decision and they wanted Eren dead.

Irwin and Rivaille stood just off to the side of the platform Eren was chained to, both standing rigidly, trying in vain to keep their eyes on Zackly and not look to the boy.

The room fell silent as everyone accepted the boy's fate, and Rivaille realized the group of people gathered was split almost entirely in half. With most of the military police pleased with the outcome of the trial, and the Survey Corps members itching to touch their blades. Rivaille himself had his hands resting on his swords, almost like he expected to have to use them.

"With that being said, those gathered here know the outcome of today," Zackly said, slowly rising to his feet. "Executioner?"

The executioner grinned, standing up off the wall and grabbing his ax. He sauntered toward the chained up teen, his boots the only noise throughout the whole room.

The guards on either side of him gently pushed Eren forward until his head rested on a chopping block. He turned his face toward Rivaille and exhaled, locking his gaze with the man's.

Rivaille's breath caught in his throat and he took a half step closer to the boy, stopping himself when he heard Irwin's breath hitch. His heart thudded around inside his chest and his hands moved to his swords. He couldn't let this happen. This… this was worth risking his job for.

The guards held Eren still and nodded at the executioner who raised his ax above his head, the sunlight glinting off the blade. He grinned. "Any last words, Jaeger?" the darkly dressed man's laughter filled the captain's ears and made his blood boil. A usually calm man, Rivaille was a wreck watching his last remaining squad member die in front of him.

Eren heaved a sigh before speaking. "Don't watch, Heichou."

Rivaille's heart stopped and he couldn't breathe as he watched the ax swing down, down, down and connect with the boy's neck. In one clean slice, his head separated from his neck and blood splattered on the ground, the block, the executioner and the guards standing beside him.

Rivaille's heart splintered as he felt a few drops of blood from the boy hit his clothing and face. He hated messes. Having someone else's blood on him was something he couldn't stand, but he made no move to remove it from his skin. The boy was gone. His head lay on the ground and his body stayed slumped over the chopping block as the guards individually stood up and began wiping themselves down. The sound finally broke through to the man's ears and he realized the executioner was laughing. He'd just killed a teenager, and he was quietly chuckling about it. He _enjoyed _this.

Rivaille grabbed his swords and yanked them out of their holsters, feeling the rage build up inside his chest. He couldn't remember the last time he allowed himself to feel at all. But this… was too much.

"Oi, you bastard," he called, absolutely seething. The executioner, grinned, raising his eyebrows at the captain, almost challenging him. Rivaille gritted his teeth together, clenched fists shaking around the handles of his swords.

"Rivaille," Irwin called quietly and the captain exhaled, sheathing his swords once more. This was what the executioner wanted. To be able to slaughter Rivaille like he'd just done to his last remaining squad member. Instead of giving him that pleasure, the man pivoted on his heel, and stalked out of the courtroom, never glancing back.

Eren was dead. What else mattered?

Rivaille rode on horseback as fast as he could back to the castle and retreated into his office, immediately burying himself in his paperwork. He realized the brat wouldn't have wanted him giving up, so he was damned and determined to press on.

Hour after hour passed and Rivaille continually worked, ignoring the pain in his heart and the feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was only when Irwin knocked on the door that he realized he hadn't cleaned himself from the execution. He had someone else's blood on him and he hadn't yet cleaned it off. This wasn't like him.

"Doors open," he called, sliding an extra blade out of his gear and staring down into the surface to see the blood on him. There was a droplet on his forehead, one below his eye and another on his jawline. He made a noise in the back of his throat as he took a handkerchief from his pocket.

The door opened and Irwin stepped inside his office, hand curled around a black leather bound book. "Rivaille…"

"The brat got me dirty," the man muttered to himself, smearing the blood on his forehead and swearing under his breath.

"You could have gotten yourself killed today had you attacked the executioner. You do realize this, right?" Irwin questioned, closing the door and crossing his arms.

Rivaille stared down at his reflection in the blade. He could have sworn he saw the brat standing behind him, making a face. He whirled around in his chair, blinking at the empty chair in the corner. For months, Eren sat there, watching the man work. Sometimes he'd be cleaning and mending his gear, and sometimes he sat there in silence, just being the presence Rivaille needed.

The captain swore as he felt the pain in his chest again.

"Rivaille," Irwin called and he turned his gaze back toward his commander.

"The bastard laughed after killing one of the members of my squad, Irwin. After holding my tongue for years, a moment of not doing so shouldn't condemn me," Rivaille said curtly, turning his attention back to getting the blood off his skin. The last bit of Eren disappeared off his face and he folded the handkerchief, placing it on his desk. He slid his sword back into his holster as something landed in front of him.

He glanced down at the wooden desk and flicked his gaze back up to Irwin. The leather bound book was lying on the desk in between them.

"What is this?" he asked, his face void of expression once more. His commander sighed.

"The reason I was late to the execution is because of that book. I got there before you did and stepped inside the courtroom. Eren saw me and begged to be allowed to speak to me. As soon as I got close enough to him, he whispered something to me. Only I heard it. He told me that book was in his cell underneath the bed, attached to one of the springs. It took me a few tries to get it out without damaging it which is why I took a bit longer getting to you," Irwin exhaled and Rivaille raised an eyebrow.

"What is it?" he asked, gesturing toward the book.

His commander shook his head. "I don't know. I didn't read it. Eren told me it was for your eyes only, so I honored his last wishes. You should break from your work. You lost a squad member. Mourn for him, Rivaille," Irwin said before turning around and exiting the room, pulling the door shut behind him.

"Tch. Mind your own damn business," Rivaille stood and walked over to the window, looking out at the rain pounding against the windows. This storm was one that the brat would have hated. Out of everything he suspected from the boy, a fear of storms wasn't high on that list.

But regardless of what the captain initially thought, Eren was terrified of storms. He wouldn't sleep when one was raging outside. He would pace the floors and usually end up cleaning something several times in a row until the storm stopped.

That was one thing Rivaille needed to ask him about. Why was he so afraid of storms? As the captain made a mental note to broach the subject, it clicked that the boy was gone.

"Damn it, stupid brat!" he snapped, slamming his fist into the wall, twisting his wrist as he did. He leaned his head against the window pane, his heart breaking. Damn that stupid brat for dying. Damn him for losing control and injuring Hanji.

Damn her for admitting that he had injured her. The twinging pain in Rivaille's hand was nothing compared to the ache he felt inside his empty heart. His office was silent. It would have never been silent had Eren been here.

"Damn brat," he muttered under his breath as he turned around, his eyes immediately spying the book Irwin had left on his desk.

"_For your eyes only," _the commander had told him. Eren had left it for him. Rivaille exhaled, casually flicking the book open and turning to the first page. The words stared back at him and he forced himself to focus. This was the last thing he would ever read in Eren's scrawling handwriting that usually irritated the man. Why couldn't the brat write legibly?

Slowly, Rivaille began reading.

"_Dear Heichou, _

_I remember the very first time I laid my eyes on you. You were without a doubt my biggest hero, and I barely knew what you were doing outside the walls. Every time you came back inside, you walked with such confidence in your step. Like you knew exactly where you were going and what you were doing. I can clearly remember wanting to be just like you when I grew up and became a part of the Survey Corps.  
You seemed so brave and strong to me. I wanted to be just like you. Riding into battle without a second glance. Facing down danger without a second thought. Slaughtering the beasts that slaughtered us. I wanted to be just like you - fierce, confident and unafraid_

_Heichou, please remember that in the days to come. You're strong and you will always be my biggest inspiration. Don't ever change, please. _

_Eren" _

Rivaille let out a breath that ended with the word 'shit'. Eren had written him letters? How long had he been doing this? He wanted to flip to the last entry in the book, mind desperately needing to know what his last words were, but he knew that wasn't how Eren would have wanted him to read them. So with a sigh, he turned the page to the second entry.

"_Dear Heichou, _

_The day I was chained and put in front of the jury, I thought I was going to die. I thought they were going to deem me a monster and have me slaughtered then and there. I was terrified. _

_Then you came over to me and I wasn't scared anymore. _

_Out of all the things I expected you to do, kicking me in the face barely made that list. Afterwards, I understood the necessity of the beating, and I was glad for the outcome it brought, but I still wanted to hate you for kicking my ass. I wanted to… but I couldn't. No matter what, I still looked up to you. You are such an amazing captain and no matter what you do, that will never change. I will always look up to you. My friends didn't share my thoughts on you but I didn't care. In my eyes, you were still the role model you were to me when I was ten years old. _

_In the days to come, please don't forget that you are a great captain. You've lost members but the deaths weren't your fault. Please don't blame yourself for anything that's happened. That will only be an insult to the memories of the squad. Live, Heichou. Please. _

_Eren" _

Rivaille stood from his desk, sweeping the book onto the floor in one fluid motion. Damn brat had no clue what he was talking about.

Great captains didn't lose their entire squads. Great captains were able to press on. He was not a great captain.

As their captain, their deaths were on his head. He carried the weight of them everywhere he went. Though he'd never tell anyone, he could swear that sometimes he saw them following after him into battle. He knew what it was. His mind playing tricks on him… though he hoped it would play the trick of Eren appearing, and riding into battle with him.

Eren. The one who'd written him letter after letter begging him not to blame himself for the boy's death.

With an irritated sigh, Rivaille picked the book up from the floor and returned to his chair, determined to read this. It's what Eren wanted him to do, so he would. He flipped the page, eyes once again taking in the boy's messy handwriting scribbled across the paper.

"_Dear Heichou, _

_The day I was moved to the castle, I wasn't sure what to expect. I figured you would put me to work right away - you didn't strike me as someone who liked for anyone to sit around. Especially if they were part of your squad. _

_You did and I hated it. You constantly told me I was doing something wrong or that something "could be cleaner". At any other moment, I was glad to be a part of your squad. Honored, actually. But in those moments, I hated it. _

_You continually corrected my work and made me clean things sometimes six or seven times before you were satisfied. Cleaning to your standards was harder than the entirety of being a trainee. It was worth it though to hear you finally utter the words, 'Good job, brat.' _

_Please don't change from this, Heichou. Others might say you're harsh or unfair by making those under you repeat their work, but as someone on the receiving end of that… it works. When I would lose control and yell about something, you would put me to work. No matter how many times it was clean, you forced me to repeat it over and over again until the anger was gone. It forced me to think things through and not immediately jump into action. Your methods are effective, Rivaille. Don't stop them because some have doubts. Keep doing what you do, sir. No one can be the captain that you are. _

_Eren" _

Rivialle realized one small corner of his mouth was turned up as he absorbed the boy's words. So he had gotten through to the kid. Something he said actually registered and stuck with Eren, and the captain felt a small victory at that. So many times, it seemed like whatever he said went in one ear and out the other with the boy. Almost like he didn't care enough to stop and listen, or perhaps it was that he thought he was more intelligent than Rivaille gave him credit for.

Either way, the captain felt the need to correct him constantly and repeat things he'd told him previously.

He turned the page and read on.

"_Dear Heichou, _

_The first day I rode into battle with you is something I will never forget. You took so much time preparing me for it that I thought you must care. I figured underneath your sour expression, you cared at least a little. You didn't want me to die on my first mission outside the walls. I survived it, thanks to you. Your preparation and your skill kept me alive on the battlefield. _

_When I thought it was all over, you came riding in and saved me. I owed everything to you and I knew from then on that I would never move to another squad. You would be my captain forever. I would have to die to be put under another's hand. _

_Deep down, I always longed to be as good as you. But I suppose even getting to ride alongside you into battle was an honor. You were as amazing as I imagined and as great as every single story I'd heard about you. It's been an honor serving under you, Heichou. _

_Eren" _

Rivaille's heart accelerated as he felt the entries coming to a close. He didn't want them to be over. He wanted this book to last forever. It was the last piece of Eren he had and he wasn't willing to give it up just yet. He exhaled and continued, gently turning the page.

"_Dear Heichou, _

_You and I both knew this wasn't going to last forever. The Military Police wanted me dead from the very first day I was handed over to the Survey Corps. You even told me that they would probably stop at nothing to get the jury to turn over their decision. _

_I'm glad that we lasted this long though. I feel like I was finally getting to know you. You started being more honest with me and some nights I could see your guard slipping. You almost started to let yourself feel. It was nice to see. You should let yourself feel more often. You're a human after all. Just because you're in a position of authority doesn't mean you can't feel at all. My feelings motivated me forward, they didn't hold me back, and yours can do the same for you. _

_In addition to that… please don't allow yourself to feel any guilt over what's happened. I lost control and I hurt Hanji. You did what you were supposed to do and that's just another reason why you're a great captain. Thank you for being my captain and thank you for being the one to take me down when I lost it. _

_Eren" _

Rivaille slammed the book closed. The entries were coming to an end and he didn't want to see the final words Eren had written. What did this brat think he was doing? He simply wrote a few words and he expected it to make up for everything that had occurred?

Did Jaeger really believe that just because he said so, the man wouldn't feel any guilt for what had happened? He was the boy's captain and because of him, Eren lie dead.

Swearing under his breath, he turned the page to the next entry once more, irritated with himself for not being able to stop reading.

"_Dear Heichou, _

_Hi again. If I can guess correctly, you're most likely pretty pissed off at me right now. You're probably going on about how I don't know what I'm talking about or I don't have the right to tell you it's okay to feel or something along those lines, right? _

_Well, that's fine. Be mad. Just don't ignore what I've said. Remember that you're a great captain and that it's okay to feel. _

_You remind me so much of my friend Mikasa, sir. You both seemed like you didn't feel at all. I can remember wanting to be able to bottle my emotions up inside like you two do, but I came to realize that's not what was supposed to happen. I was supposed to show you two both that it's okay to feel. It really is, Heichou. Without feeling, we lose empathy for others. The deaths of your squad members hurt you because they mattered. _

_I know I said almost the exactly thing last time but please don't deny yourself feeling simply because you're not used to it. As one of my only last wishes, I'm asking you. Just please. Don't feel guilty for feeling, Rivaille. Don't deny yourself that. _

_Eren" _

"Damn stupid shitty brat," Rivaille mumbled, tightening his hands into fists around the edge of his desk. One of his last wishes. Any other wording and the captain would have ignored the stupid suggestion. Let himself feel? What had the boy been smoking before writing these?

With another angry sigh, Rivaille turned the page.

"_Dear Heichou, _

_Most people wonder how they'll go… will it be in an accident? Will they be murdered? Most wonder how they're going to die but I always knew. _

_One of two ways. At the hands of a titan or by the very people I was trying to protect. There really was no other way for me to go. I am not scared of death, Heichou. Rather, I'm afraid of leaving you and my friends behind. What will become of Mikasa? Armin? Hanji? I will miss them and I hope that they will miss me sometimes too._

_If you want to do one last thing for me, I'd like you to protect my friends and make sure you don't come to join me too soon. Of course I'd love to see you… but not yet, okay? _

_I'm finding as the day draws nearer, I have less and less to say but I want you to know it's not that I have less to say to you. I just don't want to say something unimportant. I want my words to have some sort of meaning to you. I want my last words to be important._

_Eren" _

The last line of the boy's entry hit the captain and he exhaled with a shake of his head. Did Eren even think about Rivaille while he wrote this? How it would affect him? Did he think for a second what these letters would do to the man?

Without even pausing to think, he reached to turn the page but his breath caught in his throat as he realized he had one page left to read. All too soon, the brat's words would be gone. The last part of Eren he had would be gone.

He could always re-read the letters but they would still be gone. He felt like reading the last letter would make it more real. If he read the last letter, Jaeger would be dead.

Rivaille rose to his feet and stalked over to the window, glaring at the rain that pounded against the side of the castle. Why?

Everything the man had ever wanted was snatched away from him. He'd never complained or shed a tear before when he lost any other squad member.

Why Eren?

The question answered itself. Eren awakened the hope in Rivaille that he'd squashed down long ago. For some reason, the boy always made him smile - even if he didn't show it on the outside. Like that stupid brat was his sun and made the rain disappear.

Now he was gone and the captain would have to endure rainy days forever. He couldn't stop the audible groan from escaping his throat and he gritted his teeth against the unfairness of it all.

Eren was dead thanks to him. Yet, the boy didn't feel that way at all. Up until the very last second of his death, his mind was filled with heroic thoughts of Rivaille. He thought of nothing but good of his captain and Rivaille couldn't stand it.

He was the reason the boy was dead. He yanked his swords out of their holsters and slammed the butt of one through the window, sending shattered glass tumbling down onto him and into his office. He jumped out the window, blinded by rain and wind. His wires stabbed into the trees around the castle and he remained in the air, balanced between the two trees.

He gritted his teeth as the rain pounded down on him and images of Eren flashed through his mind.

"Stupid… shitty… brat…" Rivaille struggled to say. In the drenching rain and wind, he was able to deceive himself for a moment into believing that the only water on his face was from the rain, and not his own eyes.

He wasn't sure how long he stayed suspended between the trees, but when day broke, the rain had slowed to just a drizzle. Rivaille had stayed rigid the whole night and he knew his muscles would hate him for it when he finally moved again, but he wasn't ready to move just yet. If he moved, he would have to go back to the castle. If he did, he'd have to face the journal. And read the very last page.

A voice called out to him, disturbing his thoughts and he dropped his gaze over 30 feet to the ground. Hanji, a bandage wrapped around her head and a cast on her arm, stared up at him. He exhaled through his teeth, retracting his wires and falling towards the ground. Just before he would have hit the ground, he stopped himself by extending his wires into the trunk of another tree and swinging down to the ground. He gritted his teeth, his muscles groaning in protest. He sheathed his swords and crossed his arms. "Hanji."

A small smile pulled at the corner of her mouth. "You still look so sour. I'm not dead, Rivaille."

He stared at her with the same blank expression he always wore. It fell silent and he uncrossed his arms, starting for the castle.

"Hey! Where are you going?" Hanji questioned, falling into step with him.

He clenched his hands around the handles of his swords, remaining quiet.

"What were you doing up in the tree?" she asked and his silence was the only answer she got.

She grew quieter and quieter until he couldn't hear her footsteps anymore.

"Rivaille… where's Eren? Did they take him?" she asked quietly and he halted his walk.

He clenched his hands harder around his handles. The question… was so simple. He just had to open his mouth and say the answer.

"R-Rivaille?" Hanji repeated, her voice quieter.

"Dead," he responded. "Military Police were gunning for him, Hanji. There was nothing Irwin or I could do," he stood still for another second before continuing on toward the castle. He was determined to get back to his office and read the last words Eren had written him.

"Damn," he muttered, hating that he was this close to ending the last bit of Eren he had left. There would be no new things to hear the boy say, no dinner's with his brat, no cleaning to correct… Rivaille would be alone.

"This isn't fair. I-I wasn't that hurt. They didn't have to kill him," Hanji mumbled from behind him and something inside the corporal snapped. He whirled around, unsheathing his swords and stalking toward Hanji.

"Oi, what are you so upset for? You're only upset that you've lost your test subject," he snarled, stopping inches from her.

She looked taken aback for a moment before frowning. "Rivaille, I cared about Eren. I-I didn't want him killed, and not just because he's a titan but because he's a human as well. One I cared for…" she trailed off, her gaze dropping to the ground.

"Don't lie to me. You wanted to test him and treat him like one of your shitty lab rat Titans. If you had even a shred of self respect you'd admit that," he snapped, his heart climbing into his throat. He regretted the rain slacking off as now there was nothing to disguise what he could feel beginning to happen.

Without a word, he turned around and stalked back across the ground toward the castle.

He slammed the door open, startling some of the new recruits standing in the foyer.

"H-Heichou!" they all scrambled to their feet, saluting him as he passed.

He ejected his useless blades from his swords and slammed them onto the ground. "Leave!" he yelled. "Train outside, run a thousand miles, I don't give a damn what you do, just get out!"

He stalked up the stairs, slamming his office door shut behind himself, breathing heavily. He leaned against the door, angry with himself for losing his calm demeanor. He slipped and Hanji saw. The new recruits saw.

This was all that damn brat's fault. No… this was his own fault. If he hadn't let himself get so attached to the boy, he wouldn't be feeling this hole in his chest. The one where it felt like it was hard to breathe and sucked all of his happiness inside it. Like there was a void in his chest. Right where Eren was supposed to be. He closed his eyes, placing a hand to his chest. Why did this hurt so badly? The others… never hit him this hard.

Eren was gone and the man wasn't sure how to go on. He stumbled forward, slowly making it across the office until he was inches from his desk. He stopped, one hand desperately reaching out for the notebook, the other still clutching at his heart.

His hand closed around the spine of the notebook and he drew it close to his chest, falling to his knees and leaning back against the desk. He treasured every page as his eyes re-read the words Eren had written to him. He got to the line _"It's been an honor serving under you, Heichou," _before the tears spilled down his cheeks and he finally let himself grieve for the boy. He quietly cried in his office, until he had no tears left to cry out.

When his tears finally dried, his clothes from the rain had as well. He'd almost forgotten his clothing was wet to begin with. With an exhale, he turned one page after another until the boy's final words stared up at him.

_Dear Heichou_. He began this letter like the others yet Rivaille knew this one would be nothing like the others. A few deep breaths and his eyes moved down to read the rest of the letter.

"_Dear Heichou, _

_I'm going to miss you, Rivaille. I'm going to miss you correcting the way I rode my horse beside you into battle. I'm going to miss you pushing me to be better, teaching me things, telling me stories when I finally convinced you to, being my friend and my captain. So many times I would ask for permission to speak freely and you'd respond the same way, "If it's about titans or Hanji, I don't want to hear it. I'm on break." _

_We both knew you were kidding and that you only said it to make me laugh. Had you simply said yes, I might have opened up to you. Told you the truth about everything. How I was terrified to lose control, how much rage really was inside me and how much I hated being one of those monsters -even partly one of them. I might have even been persuaded into telling you my feelings for you. How every night I would say I was going to sleep, secretly hoping you would offer me a place in your bed. Or how I'd make a mess of something just so you would stand over me to make sure I cleaned it right. Even your impatient presence was better than not having your presence at all. Please don't blame yourself, captain. You did what you were supposed to do and I want you to know that it's okay._

_If I could have your permission to speak freely one last time, I'd tell you all of that. _

_But I'm almost out of room and the deadline is near. So I'll keep it simple. _

_I love you, I needed you and I forgive you. _

_Eren" _

The journal fell from Rivaille's hands as his mind tried to desperately grab onto any amount of sense from that letter.

"_I might have been persuaded into telling you my feelings for you" _

The boy… loved him? _Wanted _him? Rivaille felt his heart pound faster inside his chest as he sat there hating the unfairness of it all.

Had he known about the boy's feelings… everything would have changed.

"Stupid brat. Keeping it all inside," Rivaille dropped his head into his hands, hating himself for being the one that was afraid to tell Eren how he felt. He was a goddamn captain and he couldn't spit out what he wanted. He wanted that brat. He wanted him in every way a person could want another. He wanted to care for him, he wanted to be the only one to make him truly smile. Rivaille wanted… Eren. His last ray of sunshine.

But now, he would live out his days under clouds and rain. He'd lived that way before the boy, he'd live that way after him. Slowly, Rivaille rose to his feet, gathering up the journal and walking over to his desk. He laid the book down on the wooden surface and straightened his jacket.

He'd have to move on. It's what Eren would have wanted. He slid new blades onto the handles of his swords. Irwin would be expecting him to ready the new recruits.

Rivaille concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that was how he was going to live the rest of his life. One foot in front of the other until he was finally able to see Eren's face again.


End file.
